9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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