Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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