New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
