my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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