This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
