Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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