dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
