Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
