Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
