he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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