You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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