I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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