My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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