never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
