Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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