Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
