Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
