Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
