Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
