he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
