i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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