i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
