My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
