I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
it was like eating out sand paper
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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