Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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