I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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