And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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