She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
