1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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