Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
