He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
