Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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