My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
