Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She needs sedatives and a leash
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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