i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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