just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
