did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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