so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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