People in love make me want to vomit
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
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Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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