Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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