Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
