why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
