I'm eating all of the evidence.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
