Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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