hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
just tell him i said nine months
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
