Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
