yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
