By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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