sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
