it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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