The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
